They Weren’t The Love Of Your Life — They Were The Love Of Your “Season”

“It’s a reality check. The reality is, some people don’t stay. And not only is that okay but in this really gorgeous way, it is the necessary cycle of life. We go through phases, seasons, and hopefully we all go through an evolution. Within that cycle of life and time, we will outgrow people who we thought would forever be in our orbit. It’s reality.” These are the wise words of 23-year-old New Yorker Justin Frett. He’s grasped a concept that many of us find deeply uncomfortable: Some loves aren’t for life. Some people are the love of your season.

With friendships, there’s a saying that some people are there for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Viewing romantic relationships as seasonal — or as suitable for a particular chapter in a person’s life — is seldom done with such candour. Frett thinks it’s time we all got a bit more comfortable with seeing our exes in this light. In a now-viral video on TikTok, Frett said: “I never met the love of my life, I met the love of my season [...] I got them confused because I forgot I have more life to live [...] they were necessary for my season.” This can be a useful way of thinking. Rather than taking on the narrative of “the one that got away” or thinking of all the reasons why you and your ex should still be together, it encourages you to see that partner as right for who you are — or were — at a certain point in time. It’s a simple yet revolutionary outlook that seems to be helping people process breakups. “You just healed a piece of me,” reads the top comment under Frett’s video. “This shifted my perspective,” says another. 

There’s a concept that you “just know” when someone is the one — but this hyper-romantic fantasy doesn’t translate for everyone. Besides, not everyone gets to meet the one; sometimes, a lot of us get it very wrong. Frett says that reflecting on past relationships as seasonal has allowed him to give himself grace. He dates intentionally, thinking someone might be his person rather than going into situations knowing they’re temporary, but doesn’t berate himself if life pans out differently. “I subconsciously have been trying to accelerate time, rushing myself and the universe to make it to steps that I’m not yet prepared for, like marriage or a forever love,” he tells R29. “I have people who follow me in their 20s, 30s, 40s or 50s with decades of life ahead of them having the same thoughts that can cause so much mental chaos. I shared that video hoping to motivate people to remember there is more love and more people out there. That one person was not your last person.”

Seasonal loves aren’t necessarily failed relationships. Some people are knowingly finding the loves of their season, not their lives, and enjoying the relationships in the moment. Hazel Southwell, 38, from London is currently in a relationship that she can see won’t last forever, and she’s spotted this with exes too. “I realised a past relationship was seasonal when we'd both been through significant life changes and there wasn't anything more of us together,” she says. “It was heartbreakingly sad and a really difficult thing to come to terms with. We had different lives to get on with, that weren't necessarily aligned. It didn't make what we had less meaningful or committed that it ended. We're still very close friends.” Southwell has described herself as a “transition-phase girlfriend” in subsequent relationships. “A lot of people fall in love with a version of me they've made up,” she explains, then get the “ick” when she feels they see her for who she really is. She acknowledges that she maintains some emotional distance in these relationships for the sake of self-protection, anticipating things will go wrong. “I do hold myself responsible for the pattern of seasonal relationships,” she adds, perhaps too harshly. “Lots of things change over the course of your life and although some people will see life through in the same town, the same career and the same relationship, there are plenty of us who won't and it's just as normal to have a breakup as it is to switch jobs.”

The concept of a seasonal love can be tricky when we aren’t being honest with ourselves about wanting something longer lasting. Psychotherapist Caroline Plumer says that if we’re looking for long-term love, it’s tricky to enter a new relationship with a short-term lens. However, viewing someone as the love of your season can help in the aftermath when it’s over. “Sometimes people, not just romantic partners, are in our lives for 'reasons and seasons' and as hard as that can be to accept, it can also provide huge areas of growth and self-understanding,” says Plumer. Frett’s seasonal loves, for example, have helped him figure out what he wants in a long-term partner. Plumer believes there are two more important things than trying to predict the longevity of a relationship. “The first is trying to enjoy it day by day and work together to make it as healthy and rewarding as possible. The second is to not immediately see it as a waste of time if it doesn't go the distance. This is a trap many of us fall into: believing if a relationship ends, then it wasn't worth having. It's up to us to take what is valuable, both good and bad, and use that information to make decisions going forward.”

There’s something freeing in this outlook, too. We don’t have to live and operate in a space of permanence. Psychotherapist and author Tasha Bailey believes that dating with the goal of finding the love of our life can create pressure and perfectionist tendencies when judging both ourselves and the people we are dating. It also takes us away from being in the present. “What we need in a relationship today will be different to what we need tomorrow. When we have a rigid idea of finding the ‘love of our life’, we don’t allow enough space for our person or our needs to change,” she says. “Reframing partners in this way can be helpful in giving you permission to grow.” There’s even a risk that seeing someone as the one might lead to a person staying in a relationship longer than they should. “Sometimes when we give someone that label, we are putting them on a pedestal, free from flaws and mistakes. In some cases, we might even disregard any harm that they cause us, in fear of losing the love of our life entirely. We put up with less without realising that we actually deserve more.” Bailey says a key sign that someone might go the distance is seeing potential for you both to grow together.

As a society, we have long held “forever love” at the top of the relationship hierarchy. We celebrate the milestones — 60 years of marriage is called a “diamond anniversary” — but we neglect the formative, valid and loving relationships that might not stretch so far. Not every breakup is shrouded in bad blood. Southwell stresses that even in her seasonal relationships, she’s been very happy, has loved and been loved. “There's meaning to relationships that don't last. Just because something ends doesn’t mean it wasn't real love.” That past relationship you can’t quite let go of? Give yourself a break. Maybe they were the love of your last season. Maybe you’re in a different season now.