Our Breakup Was Amicable, So Why Couldn’t I Stay Friends With My Ex?

“We still think the absolute world of each other, we still care and respect each other… we are still friends and will always be friends…” reads Maya Jama and Stormzy’s recent breakup announcement, posted to Instagram earlier this month. It was a masterclass in classy, amicable celebrity breakup posts, even though it was a bit sad for those of us who’ve been over-invested in their relationship. Like many other X users, I was struck by the friendly and jovial tone of the announcement; they shared that they were “laughing while drafting it” and claimed they were still “dawgs”. The pair have been praised for their maturity and decision to remain in each other's lives as friends, but in my personal experience, this hasn't always been successful. Why would anyone want to be friends with their ex?

The question of post-breakup friendship feels tired at this point. We likely all know someone who's managed to maintain a positive relationship with their ex. There are arguably huge caveats, such as the nature of the breakup, the depth of the relationship, and if there are children involved. In my own case, my previous relationship was toxic and required a significant amount of healing afterwards. Like Maya and Stormzy's seemingly amicable split, ours was initially on good terms. But things quickly turned very sour. We broke up because we were exhausted from trying to fix the numerous issues in our relationship. At the time, we were both sad about the breakup and naively believed that staying friends would make it less painful. We thought we could keep in touch, catch up, and maybe even hang out once things settled. However, this optimism lasted only about three weeks before the same toxic patterns reappeared. It was so jarring for me because we weren’t together anymore. Through months of conversations with close friends, the guidance of a therapist, and prayer; I came to understand that my desire to remain friends stemmed from an unhealthy place. Now reflecting back, I recognise — and continue to believe — that being friends with my ex wouldn’t be good for me.

Examining the reasons behind my initial desire to remain friends was really eye-opening and helped me heal. Instead of immediately questioning whether staying friends after a breakup is possible, I now acknowledge that it’d be more helpful for our emotional wellbeing to first understand our motivations for wanting such a friendship in the first place.

One reason we may choose to remain friends after a breakup is to attempt to end things well. Cutting someone off entirely can feel emotionally draining, and staying friends might seem like a civil and easier way to end things, especially if you’re likely to see them regularly. This was the case for Natalie, 22, from New York, who prefers to keep her last name private. Her last relationship ended because her partner wasn't ready to commit. “We knew each other beforehand, but not well,” Natalie explains to Refinery29 Unbothered. "We formed a friendship during the relationship, and I think that's the main reason we tried to stay friends afterwards. We didn't want things to end badly."

However, she soon realised that trying to maintain a friendship was more harmful. Their breakup was painful, and she was pushing her feelings aside to stay friends. “I tried to be a 'cool girl' and act like we could be friends and it wasn’t going to be awkward. I wanted to seem like nothing fazed me. I didn’t set any boundaries and that made it feel like nothing had changed between us. We would chat normally but then there would be moments where something from the relationship got brought up and I’d rethink if being friends was a good idea. Eventually, it wasn’t possible to stay friends, things got messy and we decided it was better to leave it and go our separate ways.”

Natalie soon learned that her desire to stay friends was a coping mechanism to accept the breakup. Befriending her ex felt like a way to transition from a failed romantic relationship to something more positive. However, she realised was ignoring her own feelings and seeking closure from the very person who had hurt her. The friendship didn’t work and today, she wouldn’t recommend it. “No matter whether the relationship was serious or not, you can’t be friends and pretend like nothing had ever happened. You have to be honest about how you feel, don’t agree to be friends just to be unaffected by the breakup, it only makes things worse.”

Rachel Rose, a relationship and boundaries coach, made the difficult decision to end her engagement just three months before the wedding. Similarly to Natalie’s experience, despite their attempt to preserve their friendship, the unresolved feelings and issues from their relationship kept resurfacing, making a clean break inevitable. “Sadly with time, this changed and the typical arguments regarding money, housing logistics, cancelling the wedding etc. slowly changed the dynamic from one of 'conscious uncoupling' to a much more combative one.”

Closure, as I’ve learnt, doesn’t come from another person. You can end up having long, drawn-out emotional conversations that often lead nowhere because they can’t fix the root cause of the breakup. Closure comes from acknowledging the reality of the situation and choosing to move on — but it is sometimes easier said than done.  

While we might not readily admit it, we may crave friendship with an ex because it offers emotional comfort. Registered psychologist Dr Carolyne Keenan explains, “There's an emotional connection that feels familiar and comforting because of shared history — going through important life events with someone can make it hard to lose them altogether.” Dr Keenan points out that, consciously or subconsciously, we may pursue friendship with an ex because “there’s the hope that it might rekindle a romantic relationship.”

However, healing and moving on from a breakup requires emotional distance. Holding onto emotional attachments from a past relationship can be really damaging to your well-being. Wendy, 44, learned this firsthand when she divorced her husband, 79. 

Their marriage had been an unhappy one, ending because of their incompatible lifestyles—she’s a working writer, while he is retired. After the initial intensity of their divorce subsided, he pushed for them to remain friends. Wendy, clinging to the emotional attachment formed during the relationship, tried to make it work.

“I felt a responsibility to this “old man” for his welfare,” Wendy explains. “He was diagnosed with cancer and I attempted to help care for him. His three children (who are all older than me) hated that I was still in his life. He continued to call and text, put money in my account, and see me when our schedules allowed. He continued to tell me he still loved me and when he saw me, asked for affection.” However, Wendy noticed some red flags. “I realised that the relationship was co-dependent and I was still somewhat controlled by him,” she shares. “He was manipulative, trying to buy my attention. He wanted my affection even though we weren’t married.”

Breakups are a chance to unpack the emotional baggage you’re likely left with after the relationship ends. In sticking around, you risk creating additional problems you’ll eventually have to address. Mental health expert and licensed counsellor Rychel Johnson emphasises the importance of setting boundaries, especially when navigating emotionally charged situations. “Emotional intimacy without firm guardrails in place muddies the waters,” she cautions. “[In most cases] the healthiest path is granting yourself the dignity to disengage from the friendship entirely. Until you prioritise your own self-care and emotional recovery, staying intertwined, no matter how platonically intended, will likely just keep ripping those wounds open again and again.”

Therapy helped me understand why I craved a friendship with someone I couldn’t continue a romantic bond with. On reflection, it stemmed from insecurity after having been rejected by this person, and ultimately a lack of self-worth. The relationship was controlling but because I was so invested, I struggled to let go. As time passed, I recognised that my reluctance to set boundaries reflected a lack of self-respect. We all deserve to live our lives free from others’ harmful or hurtful behaviour. Enforcing boundaries, by ending all communication, was the best way to love myself and keep myself emotionally safe. Once I understood this, I was finally able to let go and move forward with my life. 

Dr. Keenan stresses that clear boundaries are important for a smooth transition from romantic partners to friends, regardless of how the relationship ended — amicably or acrimoniously. “Have a really honest and transparent conversation about both of your expectations of the friendship.” This conversation should also address any lingering feelings, as “such feelings lead to blurred boundaries or things happening that we don't necessarily expect from genuinely platonic friendships.” 

If those old arguments resurface, you find yourself in intimate situations, and boundaries are continually crossed, Dr. Keenan warns it’s a sign you might not be ready for friendship. Sometimes the healthiest option is to accept the lessons learned from the relationship, let go and start healing.