I’m A Big Fan Of Situationships – You Could Be, Too

Situationships get a bad rap. I think that’s unfair. Tinder defines them as “when you’re not quite dating someone, but you’re not just sleeping with them either”, and journalist Carina Hsieh coined the term back in 2017. I’ve had a handful of situationships: good and bad ones. My first one ghosted me out of nowhere after three months of regular meetups, which shattered my confidence. The next one was bizarrely healing thanks to the hot sex, easy laughter, clear boundaries and honest communication on the limits of this connection. At the time, some friends struggled to believe it was possible to “find” such a good setup, and even warned me against getting involved after my first situationship fail. But it wasn’t a failure and I’ve come to be a big fan of situationships, when handled right, and I think you could be, convinced too.

New YouGov research in the US found that 50% of people aged 18 to 34 have been in a situationship. Although older generations polled had less experience with the concept, the likelihood is we’ve just given a name to something that has always existed. The point is, plenty of us are getting into these romantic dynamics.

But we need to debunk the idea that situationships will always end in tears. They’re usually spoken about like this: People date without a label on it, but secretly one person is waiting at their own expense for the other to have an epiphany that they want an official relationship together. Then it ends badly because this doesn’t happen. While these experiences are valid (I’ve been there) and can force a self-love learning curve, I also think women have far more agency and are capable of enjoying situationships for what they are. Beth Ashley, author of upcoming book Sluts: The truth about slutshaming and what we can do to fight it, agrees: “Generally, when we see women in situationships, we consider them trapped and make a lot of sexist assumptions that they aren’t there by choice. We never consider that a woman might be right where she wants to be, having a sexual and flirtatious connection with someone without the pressure of commitment looming over her.”

However, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that women relishing situationships are seldom shown to us either. Women being sexually free goes directly against the narrative we’ve been sold since girlhood: that our aim should be to find love. Ashley says: “When we are children, boys get to be loud, messy and dirty when they are playing. Girls, however, are encouraged to not take up space and remain quiet, clean and feminine without asking for anything. As we come of age, this translates to the relationships we aspire to. Boys are allowed to be experimental with sex, while girls need to be careful of their image and aim to be ‘girlfriend material’ rather than branding themselves sluts through the same experimental, explorative behaviour.” Women enjoying situationships is a feminist issue. As Ashley puts it, the wider culture informs what women are “told to aim for”. Situationships aren’t part of that goal and so we aren’t encouraged to go forth and enjoy them, on both a subconscious and a conscious level. 

I think this means that often, because situationships aren’t encouraged, people aren’t equipped to do them well. Not enough of us are doing the necessary emotional safeguarding when trying them out. The main pitfall is a lack of communication and honesty. From a one night stand to a long-term relationship, the experts will always tell you communication is vital for any intimate connection to work. But I’ve met people who think they don’t owe their non-committal sexual partners good communication because they aren’t officially together. Usually it’s these people who go around giving mixed signals and causing hurt. Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, a psychotherapist, says, “if someone feels a situationship has moved beyond a casual arrangement then it is important to communicate this,” and believes that “boundaries” are still important despite the casualness, otherwise the situationship is bound to fail. I couldn’t agree more.

My friends know I’m a slight anomaly here, in that I have always spoken my mind and usually do it with ease, even if the conversation is tricky. In situationships, this puts me in good stead because I can state what I do and don’t want from it, and open a space in which the other party involved can do the same. If they aren’t honest, it’s neither my fault nor problem and is probably a sign that a situationship with this person would be complex. People who can meet me on the same level here are the ones I’ve had a fun, healthy, sexy and respectful time with. I appreciate this is intimidating for many people, but I’d encourage you to practise open communication in these low-stakes situations — so what if you find you’re on different pages and the situationship ends? That’s a relief, because now you’re free to find someone who is on the same page and you’ve avoided a later date with heartache.

I frequently assess where I’m at and whether a situationship genuinely would be satisfying, or if I’m actually wanting a relationship. Being honest with myself and not just going along with it “for the plot” has been key. In my younger years, I wasn’t so well versed in this and would kid myself into thinking I was okay with casualness when I wanted commitment. I can imagine I’m not alone here.

Situationships aren’t for everyone, at least not all the time. Sometimes I’m not in the right frame of mind to manage them, nor do I even want them. It’s also okay to try a situationship and acknowledge it’s not working for you. If you recognise this, the best gift you can give yourself is to leave. Situationships aren’t designed to last forever, and there’s no shame in cutting one shorter than planned if it’s making you feel bad. Doing so will only leave you better off. 

Situationships work well, in my opinion, when you put yourself first — although not at the expense of the other parties involved, obviously. Learn to notice when you’re not feeling it anymore. If there isn’t already an in-built end date, move on, then you’ll have mastered the art of having a situationship that you look back on fondly. I’ve had those, and I’m so glad they happened.