Being woken up with oral sex is a common fantasy, but while it might sound hot, there’s a lot to consider before you make it a reality. Namely, consent. It’s always important to discuss boundaries with your partner, but in this situation, it’s vital.
“When trying something new or fulfilling a partner’s fantasy, communication is key,” says sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin. “Many couples have explicit and implicit agreements about specific activities. For instance, many couples do not require consent when giving one another a kiss or a hug, while they will ask each other for a massage or sex.“ If you and your partner want to make this fantasy a reality, Devlin says, you can “absolutely” go for it — but talk about it first.
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Devlin says, “When discussing this fantasy with your partner, include some sharing around boundaries, like, ‘Do you want me to surprise you with wake-up oral, or would you prefer we plan it ahead of time?’ ‘Is there a day that works better for you, like Saturday morning?’ ‘Is there anything you are aware of that would prevent you from enjoying this surprise?’” Get detailed about logistics, but think deeper, too. “Be curious about why this fantasy turns your partner on as well as what about it turns you on,” Devlin says.
Specifically, discuss what “being woken up with oral sex” means — does your partner want to be awake but sleepy before oral begins? Are they fine if they’re deep in a REM cycle? Maybe they’d like to be half-awake? Talk about how they'd like sex to play out: do they want to begin with foreplay, or do they want to go straight to oral? Talk about it so that when you begin, you know what your partner is and isn’t comfortable with.
If your partner isn’t into the idea of being woken up with oral sex (or waking you up with oral sex), maybe you can find another way to incorporate what you find so hot about this idea. For example, maybe you decide to have oral sex when you’re both awake, but before you’ve gotten out of bed and had your morning coffee. Or maybe you decide to incorporate the scenario into role play.
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“Fantasies are ideas that arouse us and give us pleasure when we think about them. Desires are things we actually want to do,” Devlin says. “Sometimes a fantasy becomes a desire and the experience is wonderful. But sometimes fantasies that profoundly turn us on don’t feel so good when we act them out. Often, this can be remedied with clear communication between partners, gentle feedback, and practice."
However, this isn't always the case. "Some fantasies are better left as personal musing or dirty talk with a partner," Devlin adds. "Because there are some things that bring us more pleasure when we think about them rather than experiencing them. Knowing the difference will help you maximize your potential for experiencing pleasure and connection.”
If you and your partner decide to go for it, here's what to do: start slow. If you're giving a blowjob, focus on the head first before deep-throating. If you're eating someone out, start by licking their clit slowly. Pay attention to your partner and let their reactions be your guide.
Keep in mind that consent can always be withdrawn, so if you begin waking your partner up with oral and they don’t seem into it, stop immediately and check in with them. On the other hand, if your partner is moaning and telling you not to stop, listen and enjoy; most of us find our partner’s sex sounds to be super hot, after all.