When Compromise Isn't An Option
"Deal breaker" is a strong phrase, especially when it comes to relationships, which are living, breathing entities that change and grow at various different milestones. In the healthiest relationships, both parties respect each other enough to be flexible when tough decisions need to be made — and that often involves compromise. In your case, however, compromise may not be an option — ultimately, one of you will have to sacrifice what you want in order to give your partner what he or she needs.
How This Topic Opens Up A Larger Discussion
You say that you see your partner being a great father, and that may be true, but your hunch is not a good reason to try and change a grown man’s plans for his own life. Plus, I’d hate to see you hang your future on a fantasy when the reality of the current situation would provide better guidance. So, to make an informed decision that you can find peace over, you need to get more information, and this will require a serious sit-down. Actually, probably a few serious sit-downs. You weren’t wrong to assume your partner had the same vision for your future as you did. In fact, if you’ve been together for three years and this topic “never really came up,” it could be that he assumed children weren’t a priority for you, either. He might also be feeling blindsided and confused by hearing what you want, so it’s time to find out what else might have been left unsaid.
How To Get On The Same Page
No, I don’t mean you using Jedi mind tricks to try to convince him to see things your way. In fact, ask yourself if you really want to have to convince someone to join you on something as major as starting a family. You’ll need all hands on deck, especially in the first year of parenthood, which is the most challenging for new parents. Once you start a family, you won’t have the energy to continue trying to convince him it's a good thing. He needs to feel personally involved, so sit down and find out what he actually does see for your future together.
Why You Need To Have A Conversation With Yourself
In the meantime, you also need to have a very honest conversation with yourself. There are decisions you make as a couple and decisions you make for yourself. You say you can’t see your life without him, but that choice could involve major consequences. Which thought feels more urgent: being with this man, or being a mother? You could go through all the what ifs: What if we don’t have kids and I resent him forever? What if we do have kids, and we don't end up staying together? What if he changes his mind when he’s older, but by then, it’s too late for me?